Waymaker Counseling Ministries

               What you say is what your or someone’s future might look like. From 2013 to 2017, I struggled with Suicidal thoughts and actions. 2017 was an almost fatal year, but thank God for His resurrection power in my life. 1 Peter 5:7 is my life verse to this day. 1 Peter 5:7 states, “Cast all your anxieties on him because He cares for you.”

             Before my suicide attempt, I was a junior in high school, taking some pretty hard courses. I was taking Physics and Precalculus and also had a lot of church conflict. I also experienced more self-condemnation for my spiritual growth and for my spiritual journey with God at my former church. Also, before that, I met W.P. W.P was someone I met at Camp that was going through the same struggles I was. But I was the man that was sitting by him and was trying to comfort him even when what He was saying met that I had to get my leader that night. That night, I heard something that made me sad and mad at the same time. No kid should face what W.P. had to face. For a while, we were pen pals until the day he didn’t write back. This left an emotional scar that I didn’t know how to deal with. This and another instance left me scarred.

            After My best friend moved to New Jersey because of his dad’s job, I had no friends and no one I felt strong enough to share life’s struggle with because I was afraid that they would leave me in the future. I am still afraid to get personally attached to a church (because the last church was so full of self-righteous and “holier than thou” believers) but I am slowly starting to not have triggers anymore. Triggers are anything that reminds me of my past mistakes. Every time, I get my blood drawn, it is a trigger. Every time I passed Wesley E.R., I remember that almost fatal day.

            I should have listened closer and remembered what I learned at My churches’ VBS about How God loves me no matter what. God loves me no matter what I do. Even if what I did lead me to severe consequences. I am starting to drop barriers that I had set up as my defense mechanism so that I will not be hurt anymore. However, when one of the kids say something mean to another kid, it triggers me. When another leader grabs ahold of someone’s arm, it reminds me of someone who grabbed my arm in 5th grade. I had a lot of traumatic experiences at church and had stress in my life and the spiritual warfare that was waging war in my heart that led me to do a heinous crime against God. The Speaker was right at Camp Eden in 2017. He stated that “Sin affects us mentally, physically, and spiritually.”

          In 2017 Feeling like I had no outlet to express my emotion about W.P and other things, it led me to start to inflict pain on myself (essentially, I was cutting myself from 2015 to 2017 without my parents knowing about it) because I did not have any outlet to explain how much I was hurt by my youth pastor, by my Sunday school classmates, by my best friend leaving to go to New Jersey, and by homework load I was facing as a junior status high school student. This caused me to inflict pain on myself which opened the door to think about suicidal thoughts and actions. I never explained this to a counselor, to my mom, and to my pastors. This was the bottled-up tension that lasted from 2013 to 2017. I did not find support I needed at my local church. After this on December 2017, I could not take the pressure anymore and I had a tool to stab myself with and caused me to bleed profusely in my bed room. I grabbed my knife from my drawer and started to find the perfect spot to stab myself. I raised the knife up and pierced the knife into my chest near my heart. I blocked the pain at that point. It wouldn’t stop bleeding. At that point, I instantly regretted my action.

After crying out to God to rescue me and trying to stop the bleeding, to no avail, I ran upstairs. I knocked furiously on my mom’s and dad's bedroom door. They opened it. Then, I explained to them what happened. My Mom and Dad looked at me and were concerned about me. They asked questions, "Why did you try to end your life? Is your life that bad? Is it serious?" I went to the bathroom, sinking in total desperation, and answered my mom and dad.

After that conversation, we loaded up in the car and went to the nearest emergency room, Wesley E.R. in Derby, KS, to stop the bleeding. The hospital staff took me in. While I was at the E.R., I had to take a drug test, and a large wall came down to protect me from myself, if that makes sense. After the drug test, I walked to an ambulance and took a ride in an ambulance to the hospital for a further mental evaluation. That was the first time and last time I was in an ambulance.

            The following day, A Wesleyan psychologist asked me a question like, "Do you love your parents? From one to ten, how likely are you going to try to commit suicide again?"

 My answers were, "I love my parents with all my heart. From one to ten, 1. I would never try to commit suicide again." I also had to fill out psychological forms at the hospital. The following were my answers to the questions. I was thinking in my mind, "I do not want to experience this experience again." My mom said to me, "Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Suicide is never the answer. Jesus is the solution." She was correct, indeed. Suicide is NEVER an option. J.E.S.U.S. is the solution.

After this event, I sought out counseling per request of my parents. The counseling helped me a lot. The counselor said, "I should depend on God because he will never leave me nor forsake me (Hebrews 13:5-6a). You, Andrew, should not worry about the future. God is your rock and your salvation. God is an ever-present help in times of deep trouble (Psalms 46:1). God is your fortress. Jesus Christ has saved you and has given you resurrection power. Use God’s resurrection power to overcome your personal hurt." I am glad that I went to counseling sessions after that. He also said, "Even though you do not have friends, Christ is your friend." He directed me to John 15:11–15.

            The one thing that saved me that night was Jesus Christ. When I deserved the punishment of sin, Christ died for me. When I deserved to die, Christ died in my place and gave me a life worthy of living (Romans 5:8; 1 Corinthians 15:3-4). Once I reaffirmed this truth of God's redeeming power and believed in God's redeeming message with my whole heart, I was truly transformed and grew closer to God. I felt like I was reborn and given a second chance to live. So, I do not want to blow my second chance in life. I felt as if the Holy Spirit entered my life. Just like Jesus was my solution to my pains and anxieties, Jesus is indeed the solution to your anxieties and fears.

             Read Psalms 1-51 and note how many times David rested in God's faithfulness and God's steadfast love. David also viewed God as a Stronghold for him when He was going through a spiritual storm of discomfort. Psalms is a book of comfort. 

Strength rests in God alone. Strength also comes through prayer and trust in God. Strength also comes from not closing yourself off to friends and family members. Relying on family members is easier said than done. Also, praying a protection prayer to God can help you combat the Devil's flaming arrows. My urge to you, Brethren, embrace God's faithfulness and God's steadfast love. As you saw in this story, God rescued me and helped me embrace His faithfulness and steadfast love. God grew me through this spiritual trial and grew to be strong enough spiritually to pursue God's will for my life. 

            One needs to understand where our battle actually starts. Our battle does not start with people but with principalities and demons in the spiritual realm. Ephesians 6:12 states, “For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places” (Ephesians 6:12, NASB 1995).  Paul, in Ephesians 6:12, is trying to convey is our battle is not with other people but with the demons that live in the spiritual realm.

      In this story, it can be said that resolving personal hurt can take a lifetime but with God, he can help you overcome your hurt quicker because of the band of brothers that rely on Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ is the only source of comfort when resolving personal hurt. Look at my story. I had a lot of hurt but it is because of God’s resurrection power that I was able to overcome my hurt and my triggers are slower fading away one by one.

 

If you currently struggling with suicidal thoughts or actions or in a mental health crisis, please call the national suicide prevention helpline at 800-273-8255.